2 months ago, one of my close friends passed away. We were in school. I unfortunately didn’t have lunch with him that day, but my brother did. He said Eric seemed fine. I found out from a phone call from school that Thursday night. I was really hoping for a snow day, but instead, they said a student had fainted in class and passed away on his way to the hospital. My brother told me about Eric fainting, on our way home from school, but I didn’t make anything out of it.
While SS was having a hard time that night, I somehow kept it together. When we went to school the next day, they had grief counselors in the library. I started to cry a lot during my English class because of how everyone was talking about Eric, like ‘I heard he just pass out and hit the floor… their ribs break if CPR works…. no autopsy’, and so on. Like he was a CSI character rather than a part of our community. I went to the grief counselors, crying, for 2 hours. A lot of my friends were also there. We were all close with Eric.
I went to his wake and that gave me some closure. The guidance counselors got all of Eric’s closest friends and the GSA club (Eric was a member) to plan a memorial for him. I went there thinking I would be an active part of it but then it was just GSA members who I know Eric wasn’t close with planning everything out. They had a lot of teachers and administrators speak at the memorial and only a few students. I wrote a letter to Eric, but I backed out at the last minute because I don’t think I’m good at public speaking and I’d get especially choked up considering it was for a close friend. Some of his other close friends also didn’t read because they felt too upset to read. So in the end it was a lot of GSA club members who he wasn’t as close with and like 3 of his friends.
I still feel like I haven’t moved on. My family members called and texted me that weekend to check up on me, but now I think they’re all thinking that it’s time for me to move on. I don’t feel like I’ve moved on anymore since the wake. I’ve started hanging out with friends more but I still feel awful about it. I know I’ll never wake up smiling about this, but I feel like I can’t talk about it without tearing up.
I think part of it is guilt. We both were a part of our school’s animal welfare club, that’s where we met. And he’d always ask to hang out but I didn’t know if he was the mall type. And I couldn’t get rides to out of school events so he’d usually go alone. I don’t even have him as a Facebook friend. I always kept forgetting about it, until about a week before. I feel like I wasn’t that close of a friend to him, and it makes me more upset. I don’t know if I can talk to my friends about it because I don’t want to bum them out. My guidance counselor told me the school child psychologist is offering grief counseling, but I don’t know if it’s too late to join, and I don’t want my parents to think I’m a complete mess.
Rest in Peace, Eric. I miss you and love you. We’ll never forget you. Sorry for not hanging out enough. 1.5.12.
